Parents and Teens - Tackling the Tough Questions About Drug Use

Originally published on AOL’s Addiction and Recovery Forum at the Parent’s Corner, Healing the World/Healing the Self (Family) and Learning To Trust

Headlines around the country read, “Boomers are clueless on kids’ drug use.” This litany is repeated on every evening news broadcast. These latest findings by the Partnership for a Drug Free America have more than simple shock value. They sends parents reeling and leave them feeling more than inadequate. If they already felt clueless about discussing drugs with their children, they’re bound to feel hopeless after reading this report.

As parents scramble to catch the whole news soundbite in hopes of finding some advice, or scour the entire newspaper article looking for direction, they rarely find anything useful.

Sadly, they discover what they already know — that it’s almost impossible to find straightforward, practical advice about how to discuss drug use with their kids.

Maybe the magic of televised Public Service Announcements will make parental involvement unnecessary. My advice is that parents shouldn’t wait to find out. There are compelling ways to talk to your children about drugs. And make no mistake about it — discussion from a parent is more powerful than all the PSA’s, documentaries, and educational programs in the world. Parents have what no educational program can provide — their love and care for their child. Research shows that parental love and concern can influence children not to experiment with drugs. So why aren’t parents talking with their children? The answer is simple. Parents don’t know how to tackle the tough questions on drug use and need basic advice and direction. Children ask questions that merit parental response. Our kids are in trouble and parents need to know where to begin. We must address our children’s questions…

“How Can Something Feel So Good And Be Dangerous?”

It’s ironic that with all the information we give kids about drugs, we forget a most vital component. Parents need to tell their children that generally, the first time people do drugs, the experience is pleasurable — sometimes even wonderful. Drugs do indeed get you “high,” and high feels good. Without that simple piece of information, all the educational information about the perils and the dangers of drugs can be meaningless. When kids hear about a friend’s pleasurable experience with a drug, or they have a good experience of their own, they discount the educational information since no one told them it was going to feel so good.

The most powerful voice to tell them these things is a parent’s. Tell them how that same physical pleasure can lead to an addict’s nightmare. This will open their eyes and lead to discussions about how to achieve real satisfaction in life.

"What's Wrong With Getting High With My Friends On The Weekends? I’m Not Doing It Everyday!"

If your child is partying hard on weekends, they are certainly surrounded by drugs and alcohol and are more than likely using themselves. As a parent, you need to express your awareness and your concern.

To open the discussion, you might say, “You probably know people who party hard and do drugs. I also know there’s a chance you’ve tried them too. You and your friends might think there’s nothing wrong with doing dope on the weekends, but I’m worried. When I think about it, it doesn’t make sense, because if it’s okay to do drugs once in a while, then it might be okay for your little brother or sister to do drugs sometimes.”

You can ask them questions like, “Is it okay for you to get your friend’s little brother or sister stoned? Is it okay to get five-year-olds high on the weekends too? How about a baby in a crib? Is it okay to go into the bedroom and blow smoke into their faces to get them high?”

These kinds of questions, some direct, some indirect, can help you launch into a discussion that helps children reflect on the consequences of their actions, their use of judgement, and their values. It moves the issue beyond “just say no to drugs,” and involves the parent in the middle of their children’s decision-making process. And that’s where a parent ought to be.

"I’m Not A Junkie. Neither Are My Friends!"

Teens are at the age where they feel invulnerable. It is difficult for them to comprehend how they or their friends may be vulnerable to becoming junkies. They might know what a junkie is, but they don’t know that for some people, doing dope is like playing Russian roulette — the revolver being the kid who turns the wrong friend onto dope. Parents need to engage their children in a discussion about the consequences of taking drugs. Ask your children how they would feel if they gave dope to one of their friends at a party and then that friend became an addict. That friend could be genetically predisposed to addiction and might become dominated by the need to do drugs immediately after their first experience. Getting drugs and taking drugs becomes an obsession for some people. They plan their life around drugs and other issues become secondary or meaningless. Ask your children, “Do you know anyone like that?” Sadly, most children know more than one person like that. Then ask them, “Knowing this happens to some children, is it okay to turn on your friends?” And if you know for a fact that your child doesn’t currently use drugs, ask them, “Are you willing to gamble with your life for a simple weekend of partying?” Challenge your teenagers to show more concern and care for their friends and for themselves. Discuss better ways and alternatives to having a good time.

"Didn't You Use Drugs In College? So Why Are You On My Case?"

Don’t avoid dealing with this question, and above all, don’t lie. Tell your children if you used drugs. You don’t have to go through all the details, but don’t fake it. Your kid can read your emotions like an open book. Get to the point.

Let them know your drug use was a mistake — that knowing what you know today, you never would have tried it. Emphasize that you had no real information back then about the dangers of drugs. Share about your friends who got into deep trouble from drugs and how you did nothing about it. Tell them that’s one of the reasons you are discussing this with them now, because it bothers you to this day. Explain how a parent’s job is to not let their kid down, so you are talking about it all now in a way you wish someone would have talked to you.

Parents have to remember that childhood in general, and adolescence in particular, are times when children most need support, stability and encouragement. For teens to make effective decisions, they need their parent’s input and encouragement. While communities and schools can provide educational and informational programs, the family is the center stage where our children’s destiny will unfold. Make no mistake about it— the struggle will take place on the home front. For the sake of our children, we desperately need to be there.