Looking Into the Heart of Pain, Attitude and Forgiveness

Originally published in the Hidden Mountain Journal

In The Middle is Mystery

In the middle of the mystery of pain, there are precious jewels to be harvested. There are gifts of the heart to be experienced. There is incredible beauty and poignancy in discovering the love in this world. I may have gotten pain dealt to me in spades, but I also can tell you I have gotten more love and compassion poured over me, through me, and around me than I ever knew existed. Often, I was asked by the hospital staff why I seemed to be happy most of the time. They would say, Look at what happened to you. Doesn’t it ever really bother you?

While I confessed to not being in a continual state of joy (to say the least), I also clearly understood their question. In reality, their question was not directed at me, but at themselves. They were asking, Would it be possible for me to be happy if I were in Yehudah’s shoes? I suspect that everyone harbors such thoughts. We all wonder how we are going to respond to some crushing crisis. We all wonder if it will break us. These are natural questions.

We wonder, too, about how we will handle pain. And beyond that, we wonder if we really will be able to make amends and straighten out our lives if we are caught the in the middle of a buzz saw.

You see, there are really three hurdles to overcome in crisis. There are probably more, and in fact, are, but for simplicity I think three major hurdles are sufficient. The hurdles are dealing with pain, attitude, and cleaning up the heart.

Dealing With Pain

Pain management is a huge issue in the hospital or for anyone who suffers from chronic debilitating or life-ending pain. I will discuss in a later issue the “Pain Wars” that I had with my doctors. But briefly, if you do not get proper pain management, it is extremely difficult to heal or keep your wits about you.

I have been living with various stages of intense pain now for over six months and had to fight for proper management every step of the way. Proper pain management equals the ability to use your mind and focus your consciousness. Without it, life is a living hell. When the pain volume is turned up high, all you can do is writhe, cry, and pray for sleep.

There are some physicians who have enough compassion and common sense to treat their patients’ pain. Good pain management is essential. Still and all, I find it ironic that we live in a world today where everything is focused on the physical. We somehow have the notion that if my pain is managed, my life will come together. Nothing, of course, could be further from the truth.

In any life-threatening or profound crisis, handling pain is only one of the steps, but pain and suffering are also great teachers. They point the way to our inner world that needs sewing and mending. Sadly, we live in a world where we are so afraid of sufferings teaching that we organize our lives around anesthetizing the messages of our anxiety or pain.

Let me report to you from the front lines of the trauma ward, where pain doesn’t stalk the corridors and hide in waiting. Pain on the trauma ward walks freely around, touching everything and everybody, 24 hours a day. Even with its brazen fierce presence, though, so many folks I met there did not listen to its roaring message. For many folks, once they got the meds and the pain went away, they ran back into the cave of denial about their lives.

I don’t, in general, like blanket, sweeping statements, but I will give you one anyway. There is physical pain and there is psychic pain. Don’t confuse the two and think that when the physical pain goes away you are all right psychically. Lives spent avoiding the teaching of anxiety, suffering, and pain only punched our issues down deeper into our heart. The longer we avoid dealing with our lives, the more trouble we find at the end. Issues not attended to in life can come roaring out like a devouring monster if left buried and medicated. I know that some of you reading this now are aware of the truth of the last sentence. My advice always is: Deal with it now.

Attitude is Everything

Attitude is also — if I may be so bold — everything. Attitude is everything. It is very important in life and especially in trauma to not fight the truth of who you are. I know I have said that before, but it is worth saying again. Where your attitude is, so be you. Where your attitude is, so be your consciousness. No matter what has happened in life, we have the capacity to choose how we want to be. Allowing ourselves to be guided by our core values unlocks a profound spiritual blessing — the blessing of living in the moment with grace, dignity, warmth, kindness and compassion.

The Talmud pulls no punches when sages teach that the way an individual travels on the path, that is the way they are lead. It also cuts this teaching another way. The way an individual travels on the path, that is how they are judged. I am quite certain that we fear changing attitude for a very simple reason — fear of the unknown. While we might not like the crappy side to ourselves, it is what we know. It is easier to delude ourselves into thinking and identifying with what we know than risk to be what we can be.

The thought for most folks in that department is downright scary. I understand that and certainly recognize that it is rare to have a blockbuster transformation. But still and all, there is virtue and merit in trying.

And then sometimes by the grace of God, we get occasional gifts in life. Crisis is one of those gifts. Crisis has the capacity to open us up to change. The trouble is that it comes with these teachers called Suffering or Pain. We are generally afraid of those teachers. We want to run away from them and push them off with denial and medication. But what if we knew that as tough as they are, these teachers truly are realized masters or angels sent to us to wake us up to our lives and to transform our attitudes?

I am speaking here on a personal level. This is not a global discussion about suffering. I think we all agree that every conscious person must be involved in the struggle to extinguish suffering in the world. But that is a different issue.

The issue here is — if I am caught up in one of the chain-saw cycles of life, where I find myself having to confront the Two Masters (Suffering and Pain), what course and direction do I choose to take? After pain management, what precisely do I do to learn, change, transform and grow?

What truly in my life can motivate me? For me, I must confess that in the middle of the buzz saw, I made a conscious decision to stay with my core; to let that light be the beacon for myself and my relationships. Most of all, I was motivated to do this for my children. I wanted them to see what was possible in crisis. I wanted them to know that their father deemed it worthwhile, even in the middle of hell, to be a person who does not let go of what is precious in life.

I did it for them and in so doing, did it for myself. Remember, though, I do mention the middle of hell. I would never want anyone to think that attitude equals perfection. Or that I did not cry my eyes out at times. I belong, after all, to the school called the spirituality of imperfection.

Wisdom for the Heart of Life

Let me share with you some wisdom teachings that are my spiritual companions in life. I carry a lot of teachings around in my mind and heart. In fact, I consider a lot of these teachers my best friends and lifelong companions. In my tradition, a holy book can be your best friend. Teachings that are for the ages are alive to me. They are alive in spirit and, as such, I carry them as living charges of pure wisdom inside my consciousness. After all, when I met them I knew them instantly. Most of them zapped my mind on the first encounter and woke me up.

On Suffering

Suffering is meant as a teacher to anyone who sees it or hears about it. The suffering of anyone in the world can serve as a tool to learn lessons that will elevate us. (Toras Avraham, p. 54)

It is rather clear that what we encounter in life can allow us to grow. Ignoring the world around us is akin to ignoring the deep meaning found in life. The message is: Pay attention!

On Worry

The Talmud (Sanhedrin 100b) states: Do not worry about what might possibly go wrong the next day. One never knows what will occur. Perhaps tomorrow you will no longer be in this world and you will have worried about a world that is not yours.

“Be here now” is a strong injunction to embrace the life we have in each moment. Straying away from life in the present, through, creates constant worry. Not paying attention to message in the worry is not paying attention to the life message given now.

On Seeing Life as It Is

If things do not go the way you wish them to be, you should then wish them to be the way they are in reality.” (Magadolai Hatorah Vachssidus , vol 20, p. 107)

Again, it is OK to see your life as it is in the Here and Now. If you wish to transform your reality, it is a good idea to get a true fix on where you are now.

On What Life Expects From Us: Words From the concentration camp --Auschwitz

It did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us. We needed to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life -- daily and hourly. Our answer must consist, not in talk and meditation, but in right action and in right conduct. Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual.
- Viktor Frankl -- Mans Search for Meaning

If we realize that life is asking us to respond with our core values, we awaken to the preciousness of beauty of our life and others. We awaken to the moment and care. We abandon spiritual practice and embrace life. We do not worry. We do not flee. We act with grace, strength, and compassion. We act even with imperfection, but we act.

Mending the Heart

With pain managed and attitude transformed, then it is possible to look at what needs mending in life. When we yearn to touch with love the souls of ourselves and another, to sew up old wounds — to mend lifes traumas — ironing out the wrinkles in life becomes paramount. Making amends and forgiveness are the keys that unlock the heartland of spirit and land of the soul. For many of you who have been with me on AOL at my live conference for the last two years or so, you know that this section has been our topic. (If you are interested in an in-depth look, I suggest you go to the Addiction & Recovery forum at AOL and download transcripts of our conferences on forgiveness.)

Now, of course, there are no instant miracles to fix ones heart. But even if the bottom-line result of our all our search for forgiveness doesn’t miraculously bring about a “perfect healing,” it does allow us to live our lives so that we no longer ignore the consequences of not only what we do, but what has happened to us.

Each day we all face the opportunity to accept a precious gift — ourselves and those we love. One of the keys to opening the door to that gift is forgiveness.

I have found that there are seven principles that unlock forgiveness. They are:

Forgiveness is a choice.
Forgiveness is for the sake of ourselves.
Forgiveness heals deep inner pain and wounds.
Forgiveness is letting go of anger and resentment.
Forgiveness is not tied to forgetting. It is tied to remembering.
Forgiveness cant be willed, but depends on the willingness of the heart.
Forgiveness doesn’t let someone off the hook. It strives, where possible, for reconciliation.

The simple truth is that after facing our pain, and transforming our attitudes, we are ready to mend our relationship to ourselves and others. We come to this threshold precisely because we no longer flee from anxiety, pain and suffering. We thirst for something more. We seek to drink from the wellspring of our soul, not the bitter waters of our denial. In essence, at this point we have no choice; we seek to forgive.

I remember being shoved awake after seven and a half hours of surgery. I was in the recovery room. The staff worked on me for hours to bring me back to consciousness. (I, of course, remember none of that, but rely on my wife’s report.)

Finally, in the wee hours of the morning, I drifted back into this reality. A doctor was right next to my face asking me questions. He asked, Do you know where you are? I replied, No. He then asked, Do you know you were in an accident? I answered, No. He asked further, Do you know who you are? I said back, No. He then brought my wife in and had her come really close to my face. He then said, Do you know her? I looked back at him and said, Of course, that is my holy wife!

I think that says a lot about reconciliation, forgiveness, and — truly on a core level — being straight with love. You see, my wife and I have this rule that says we will hassle the truth forever. If we have a problem we talk it out. If it entails reconciling we will work it out. Even before I went under the knife, the last thing I said to her was how much I loved her and my kids. I told her if I didn’t come through the surgery and if there was any stone I left in this world unturned, I asked for her forgiveness. I told her to tell my kids the same.

The point here is that it is a good idea not to leave any secrets lying and festering in your heart at the end of the day. It is important to not tell yourself, Well, this much I can do but further, no. I have done enough.” Or “I have been through enough in life that I don’t have to face everything. Or, “My life has been hard enough, I don’t have to make amends on everything.”

And the point was when that when I said goodbye to wife before surgery, I did not know if I was going to make it back, but I knew the eternity and holiness of our relationship. I knew that if I was leaving, I wanted to be straight. Love is very, very deep. It is something I suspect goes beyond even personal identity in a lifetime — that certainly was indicated by my reply to the doctor. Sometimes when we cannot even find ourselves, I believe our soul mate or our closest friends can transcend any loss. Just thinking about that experience rocks me back on my socks.

From Helplessness You Can See

Mending and reconciling opens up new vistas of seeing the world. It turned part of my hospital journey into an entirely different perspective. Visitors turned into healing visitations. And the real genuine healing visits were, to me, like spiritual visitations. They lifted my spirit. They soothed my soul. They caressed my wounded body like a cool healing breeze. I learned who were my friends, found new friends, and saw some of them as angels.

When you are totally helpless there is profound irony at work. From the state of helplessness you can see. I often reflected on this. I certainly had a lot of time to reflect. There I lay for weeks in excruciating pain. I could not move. I could not turn over. I could not sit up without assistance. I could not walk. I was catheterized. I could not wash myself. I could not clean up after myself. I had to have someone help me do everything. I had a 23-inch stitched and stapled wound from the top of my pelvis down my thigh. At the bottom of the wound was a big drainage hole dug out of my flesh, oozing and open on my thigh. It was there to heal all the inner damage and prevent infection. I was attached to a morphine drip. I slept countless hours.

And yet I could see things in people more clearly than any other time in my life. Go figure that out. How is that possible? The moment of total helplessness is at the same time the moment of spiritual vision.