Family Matters: The Generation Bridge

Originally published in Hadassah Magazine, November 2003, Vol. 85, No. 3

Although it has been nearly 10 years since Danny died on the street, my subconscious refuses to let go of his memory. Danny was a New York street kid I’d been trying to help for over a year. He had been on his way home from a youth center when he stopped at an all-night grocery to pick up some milk. Inside, a robbery was taking place. He took two bullets in the chest and died at the entrance to the store.

Danny was a good Jewish boy who, like many others teens, never got the chance to live out his dreams. They come to me at night on a rotating dream schedule, reminding me never to let the memory of who they were fade. I did my time out there—for more than a decade I reached out to adolescents in crisis, the runaways and the homeless, in the way-beyond world of the New York night. Many of them did not make it.

Carrying their memories allows me to connect their lost hopes and dreams with the lives of high school kids today.

In the last few years I have conducted seminars at schools, youth programs, synagogues and camps throughout the United States and spoken to over 14,000 high school students—about 4,000 of them attended Jewish day schools. They listen to me because of the time I spent down in the dark world of the street.

Talking to kids is not exactly a popular mission in the Jewish community, or for that matter in any community. But for me it is always a joy because of the positive reactions I am blessed to encounter over and over again. Young people today thirst for the opportunity to speak with an adult about how they or those sitting next to them have sex, get drunk, smoke dope, drive too fast, might be depressed or have been abused. The key is getting them to open up.

And when they do, a mountain of trust is built between these teens and their Jewish community. My job is to get them to share—anonymously—their most burning questions and concerns about life. During the follow-up parent meeting, I come armed with their children’s questions, ready to help parents gain insight and wisdom in dealing with their kids’ issues. So how do I pull this off?

First, I tell the kids stories from the street. Stories that make them cry. Graphic stories about drugs, abuse, homosexuality, suicide, brutality, rape, alcoholism and addiction and the harsh lives of street children I knew and loved.

And then it’s their turn to be honest and answer these questions by raising their hands:

How many of you have a friend who has a drug or alcohol problem? Is depressed? Has thought about suicide? Is regularly having sex?

How many worry about violence since 9/11, here and in Israel?

How many of you want to get married eventually? Think you will have a fulfilling marriage? Think you might get divorced?

How many of you can turn to your parents for support in a crisis? Wish you could talk more openly with your parents?

No matter where I travel in Jewish America, I have found that 100 percent of teens have a friend who has a drug or alcohol problem; 100 percent have a friend who has been depressed; 90 percent or more have a friend who has thought about suicide; and 100 percent know someone who is regularly having sex.

In addition, 90 percent are worried about violence, particularly since 9/11; 75 percent hope to get married eventually, but only 20 percent believe they would have a fulfilling marriage; and over half think they might get divorced.

But most striking, only 15 percent feel they could turn to their mothers or fathers for support during a crisis, though 85 percent wish they could. This tells us that teens are keenly aware of the most important emotional issues they face.

Next I respond to the kids’ most pressing issues, which they have anonymously written out on cards. It is electrifying as I read them out loud:

What’s the difference between experimenting with drugs and having a drug problem? How should I go about dealing with my friend’s alcohol problem? Does having oral sex mean I’m not a virgin? Why do my parents make it such a big deal that I shouldn’t date a non-Jew? I want to try and get help for my friend who is being abused at home, but I’m afraid she’ll hate me if I say anything. Is it safe for me to talk to a teacher or guidance counselor about my problems or my friend’s problems or will they just throw us out of school?

Suddenly everyone knows there are people in the room, perhaps even their closest friends, who are facing very tough issues. When I answer, I keep in mind that these are the challenges of our next generation of Jewish leaders, Jewish parents and communal workers.

When time is up, there are always disappointed groans. But before the crowd breaks up, I remind them to make sure to tell their parents to come and meet with me that evening.

I have a unique edge when speaking with parents because I come armed with their children’s most intimate problems. As the parents trickle in, I inevitably hear the comment, “I’m here because my kid told me I had to come.”

First, I go over my informal survey. The parents are stunned. I then proceed to read many of their children’s questions. There are always gasps, followed by silence. The main point I emphasize is that the goal is to make contact, not to solve problems. Then I hand out a list of what I call Parenting Principles to help them connect to their sons and daughters.

Through this list and our discussions, parents come to understand how essential it is to engage our kids in ethical conversations about what it means to get “high” or have sex, or about the morals of getting their best friend stoned. We acknowledge that children need us to talk to them about consequences and about how to recognize when they are getting in over their heads. As parents, we should encourage our children to help their friends, but we also have to tell them who they can talk to if they see a friend in trouble.

I run into incredible young people everywhere I go. The good news is that kids today are amazing. It’s an extraordinarily alive generation. These teens are idealistic in a different way than the generation I grew up with in the 1960’s and 1970’s. They’re fiercely committed to their friends’ welfare, much more so than in my generation.

There is a passage in the Talmud that says that the Divine presence rests within eight feet of an individual. That’s where the holiness is to be found. It’s very localized. The Talmud also teaches that it only takes a few people gathered together to draw down the Divine presence. It doesn’t say 10,000 people, just one person reaching out to a couple of others.

That is the primary concern of our extraordinarily promising next generation.

Rabbi Yehudah Fine, an educator and family therapist, is the author of Times Square Rabbi—Finding the Hope in Lost Kids’ Lives (Hazelden Press). He is currently working on his next book, The Real Dope—the Top 70 Questions Teens Want Answered. For more information about his seminars, visit his Web site at www.YehudahFine.com.

Parenting Principle

You don’t have to be an expert, you just have to care and share. Talk to your children about everything—that’s how they’re going to develop values and direction in life. No topic is off-limits. If your child brings it up, it is important. Otherwise, they will get the information from the local drug dealer, peers or television. Teenagers want to be involved in family matters and family problems. So involve them. Never ignore the big topics—the Holocaust, sex, drugs, relationships, depression and suicide. Children want to know what you think. Never be afraid to admit you were wrong and to apologize. It demonstrates how mistakes can bring out love. It’s the essence of teshuva (repentance). Ask questions, avoid lectures and listen. Praise your teens for who they are and what they do. Be specific and don’t forget the little things. Tell your sons and daughters you love them, and why. Look for opportunities to hug your kids. Don’t be fooled into thinking they don’t cherish a warm embrace. Share your own struggles, including your struggles in Judaism. Let them know there is meaning to be learned from facing problems and growing spiritually. Ask your kids what was fun or difficult in school today. Ask for their opinions about classes, teachers, friends. Go with your children to shul as well as to movies and ballgames. Your kids want to spend time with you. Have fun and goof around with your children. Share the things that have touched your life. Talk about what you believe in Jewishly—God, love, truth, kindness, honesty—and your uncertainties about these topics.