Letting Go Of Anger

Unresolved pain piles up like trash and dirty laundry when we experience hurtful encounters with others. Every failed attempt to communicate produces blame — and blame seethes under the surface with a slow burn.

At the next failed opportunity to communicate, that slow burn ignites and flashes into anger. Anger can burn a relationship alive. Personal pain can get out of control. The irony is, if we would be willing to deal with the “little hurts” in our lives when they happen, it would go a long way toward extinguishing our anger.

Uncovering the source of pain that ignites our anger requires deep work. But while we are trying to scope out all that hurt and find new ways of dealing with it, we are still in pain and we still lose control. Sadly, it is easy to forget the good we have in our lives.

Why does this happen? Because until we have a grip on our pain and find ways to express it, we remain scared of getting hurt.

We also do not fully believe we do indeed have an outlet for our pain. We don’t trust our inner life enough to respond directly to our hurt. So, we employ what we know best: our defense mechanisms.

In so doing, we push the button that downloads anger and focuses on the negativity of our lives. The sad truth is that the “garden variety” of vengeful thinking — the “I’m going to get even with you” anger — is toxic and poisonous.

We are no more obliged to unleash that anger on another person than we are to randomly punch someone in the mouth. The anger that begins by blowing a few fuses ends up like plutonium: there’s a certain amount of value in it, but it has disastrous side effects. You can’t handle it without getting burned.

Working Toward Transformation

None of us are saints. We all get angry and hurt ourselves and those we love. But how do we avoid this damage to our closest relationships?

While there is no magic formula, working on respecting ourselves and others can bring about change and transformation. We must have a deep, abiding faith in our hearts, so when tempted to hurt ourselves or another, we can respond with a new dignity, presence of mind, understanding, and love.

As with so many things in life, everything starts with us and our willingess to make a personal accounting of our souls. A great sage once said, “If you blame others for making you angry, you will fail to work on preventing yourself from becoming angry. Rather, you should take the responsibility onto yourself whenever you lose your temper.” (Hegyonai Mussar, Vol. 3, p12)

Here’s a checklist of four crucial points that can help us transform our anger into compassion and forgiveness. Indeed, by facing our pain, opening our hearts to forgiveness, and acting with compassion, it is possible to discover a new and profound depth in life. We can find new ways of caring for and loving ourselves and others.

Remember who you are.

Is this who I want to become? Is this the best me? How would I look right now if this were a video replay? Is this really who I want to be right now?

Remember who you are in relationship to others.

This is my daughter. This is my son. This is my husband. This is my wife. This is my best friend whom I love. Am I willing to share both my hurt and my love?

Remember what this relationship means to you.

How important is this relationship? Would I rather stay angry and lose the love? Would I rather stay angry and sacrifice this relationship? How much do those I love mean to me? Am I prepared to forgive because I love?

Remember to ask, "Does what I'm saying represent the highest, best, and most sensitive me?"

Do I want to win the battle or work out the differences between us? Am I speaking from my heart? Am I expressing my feelings or projecting my anger, fear, and frustration? Is this how I talk to myself? Would I like someone to tell me what I am saying right now?

The bottom line with anger is that everybody loses. There is a big difference between anger and hurt. By working on understanding who we are, where we are, and what happened to us — as well as what we did to others — we can begin to move away from the toxins of helplessness, fear, lashing out, being tough, feeling deprived, feeling insecure, over-aggression, etc. We can find a balance in ourselves and in those we love that allows our vulnerability. We can express our own needs while seeing the needs of others.

There is a big spiritual payoff in all of this: you get to glimpse the person you have the potential to be.

"We lose much more from our anger itself than we lost from the cause of our anger."
- Sefer Charedim-Erich Apayim, p.122