Parents Seeking Help Find Little: Society Failing Those Youth Who Feel Isolated, Author and Therapist Say

Originally published in Denver Rocky Mountain News, written by Janet Simons

Jeff Freed was not surprised to learn that the parents of suspected killer Dylan Klebold sought help for their son and failed. “I do believe that the quality of help available to parents sucks,” said the Evergreen educator.

Freed, author of Right-Brained Children in a Left-Brained World, tutors children he believes are like Klebold and Eric Harris, the suspected shooters at Columbine High School - kids who grow increasingly frustrated and isolated because their brains are “wired differently”. “These kids tend to be creative, artistic, moody and hypersensitive to criticism,” Freed said. They are “visual” learners who grew up inundated with electronic stimulation, he said. But that’s true of lots of people who don’t blow away their classmates.

Freed said the ones who turn dangerous are the ones who can’t find support and validation. “These kids give clear signals very early… . School tends to frustrate them. Parents may go to a school counselor who’s no more than a ‘yes man’ for the district. They get tormented because they’re different. Then, because of the culture we live in, they’re able to find kids who feel the same way - at violent movies or on the Internet.” “The key,” he said, “is to reach these children early and appreciate how their learning styles differ.”

Family therapist Yehudah Fine also says society fails to address the issues underlying school violence. Fine, of New York City, is in Evergreen to address educators about school violence. Fine, too, laments the lack of help for parents. “We are so isolated, so busy, that we ignore the desperation that goes on behind closed doors.”

Fine said Klebold and Harris gave ample warning they were on the edge, including leaving violent clues on the Internet. “If these loners and outcasts are left to themselves, their anger will come out in very dark ways,” Fine said.

Fine says the solution will require deep changes in families.

“Kids don’t get violent because of rock concerts and television, but from lack of love and the inability to express love,” he said. “If we make clothes the culprit, we miss the point. Parents have to be communicating with their kids.”
- Yehuda Fine

Coping

Colorado children and teens are likely to feel anxious and fearful about the Columbine shootings for weeks to come. Following are symptoms experts say are normal:

Clinginess, anger, apathy, avoidance, regression, feeling overwhelmed, nightmares, fear, headaches, diarrhea, shakiness, sleeplessness, trouble concentrating, avoiding school, drop in grades, preoccupation with the event, irregular eating patterns, emotional outbursts and feelings of helplessness.

Here is when to seek professional counseling for you or your child:

If any of the above stress symptoms persist or intensify over a period of weeks; if you don’t feel able to give enough support to those depending on you; if your child refuses to talk to you or indicates he’s going to harm himself or others; if your child asks for help; if your child has suffered a similar trauma whose memory may be triggered.

What parents can do:

• Encourage your child to talk about his feelings. * Listen calmly.
• Tell your child no one is ever really prepared for such a violent experience, and acknowledge how shocking it is. A helpful response is: “I’m just so sorry that you had to go through this. You thought school was safe, and this time, it wasn’t.” Remind your child of all the people in his life who love him and are watching out for him. Remind him you will do everything you can to keep him safe.
• Don’t be surprised if your child shuts down for a few days. Lend support.
• Limit TV, and watch it with your child.
• Spend time together taking walks, playing games.
• Let your child get together with peers.
• Correct rumors; give factual information.
• Don’t reveal your hopelessness or overdramatize the event.
• Participate in memorials, funerals, moments of silence.
• Work as a family to effect social change.
• Be hopeful; assure children that they will feel safe again.
• Don’t unnecessarily restrict activities.
• Remember that “normal reactions” vary.