Special report - Teens and parents: Searching for words

Originally published in Staten Island Advance, written by Michael J. Paquette, Advance Staff Writer as “Special report: Teens and parents: Searching for words”

Just when communication is vital, many teens seem to clam up; but there are solutions.

From the moment of birth, new parents anxiously anticipate their baby’s first words, only to discover all too soon that a newborn-turned-toddler is silent solely while sleeping.

But in the often bewildering circle of life, it’s as if a child’s speechless years make an unwelcome return just when communicating, particularly with parents, is most critical.

Somewhere around age 13, a potent concoction of puberty, mood swings, and peer pressure — with a twist of general insecurity and angst — for many teens ferments into an unwillingness to talk with their folks about anything.

“Dealing with parents is possibly the most pressing anxiety teens have,” advises Parent Soup at iVillage.com, a Web site designed to help moms and dads improve their parenting skills. “They are afraid of conflict, punishment and misunderstanding.”

That “pressing anxiety” apparently intensifies for most teens when it comes to discussing with their parents tough issues like sex.

According to a boroughwide survey conducted by the Advance this summer of some 500 Staten Island teens, just 38 percent said they can talk to their parents about sensitive issues.

Many Island teens expressed fear and embarrassment at the very thought of having such a personal discussion with their folks.

“They’d kill me,” a sexually active 14-year-old girl from Eltingville said. “They think I’m their little angel.”

“When they found out (I was having sex), they ignored me for weeks,” replied a Grasmere boy who wouldn’t give his age. “So now we just avoid the topic.”

“I’m too embarrassed,” said a 13-year-old Stapleton girl, adding she already is under pressure from her boyfriend to have sex.

“They just don’t understand,” “I don’t feel comfortable discussing it with them,” and “It never comes up” are other frequent responses offered by Island teens when asked why they don’t discuss sexual issues at home.

Yet a recent nationwide poll found that most parents, especially mothers, are talking to their kids about sex.

Some 70 percent of moms say they discuss sex with their teens a moderate or great deal of time. And nearly 9 in 10 moms say they talk with their teens at least somewhat about the moral dimensions behind why they should not become sexually active, according to a survey by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy (NCPTP).

However, the divergent results of the polls conducted by the Advance and the NCPTP are not necessarily contradictory.

Surveys by their nature often illicit responses not intended by the polls’ questions, said George Vinet, a dean at Curtis High School, St. George, and a health educator for the past 25 years.

For example, when teens are asked whether they can talk to their parents about sex, “I think the teen is registering ‘Am I having sex and do I want my parents to know about it,’” Vinet said.

Rather than engage in discussions that could divulge sensitive information about their private behavior, most teens simply avoid the topic of sex and say it’s their parents who can’t handle it, he added.

But if the NCPTP poll accurately reflects most parents’ willingness to discuss sensitive issues with their teens, other surveys suggest they may not be spending enough time at it.

On average, moms spend a paltry eight minutes a day just chatting — free of instructions and exhortations —with their teens, and dads spend just three minutes, according to a landmark study by two psychologists at the University of Illinois.

Joan Summer, a guidance counselor at St. Joseph Hill Academy, Arrochar, said she believes those numbers also hold true for the amount of time Island parents and teens spend talking.

“On a day-to-day basis, if they have a good relationship with their parents they may get in 15 minutes, that’s max,” said Ms. Summer, who also has a private counseling practice geared toward parents raising children.

Rabbi Yehuda Fine, a motivational speaker for parents and teens who has lectured nationwide, also said the three- to eight-minute time frame is on target.

“There is a great silent divide happening between parents and children today,” he said. “Parents are so overwhelmed with their current economic condition and the stress of life they don’t even know where to begin talking with their kids.”

And even when parents and teens do set aside time to talk, the conversations are rarely “substantive,” he said.

“They’re not certainly talking about cutting edge issues. What (parents) are talking about is something that they want to have done, some kind of chore, getting on somebody’s case.”

Summer agreed, saying the few precious moments parents and teens spend in conversation usually revolve their “expectations” of each other.

“Parents want children to do well in school so they expect 90s and 80s,” she offered as an example. “Kids on the other hand expect parents to get them their first car.”

“When the expectations are not met or if they are too high, the communication becomes blocked,” she said.

Apparently, parent-child communication during the equally critical pre-teen years is no better.

Nearly 50 percent of middle school students and about 25 percent of their parents say they spend less than a half-hour talking each day, and a decided majority of parents and children say they spend less than an hour, according to a nationwide survey by communication giant Philips Consumer Communications.

Even more surprising, perhaps, is that pre-teens are generally more interested than their parents in talking about serious issues, such as their future, their schoolwork and family matters, the Philips survey found.

“The results (of the Philips survey) are both comforting and bothersome,” said Dr. Lawrence Kutner, a Harvard child psychologist and author of several books on parent-child communication.

“Today’s adolescents are dealing with complex and difficult issues at a younger age than earlier generations,” said Kutner, who also writes the “Ask The Expert” column in Parents Magazine. “It’s ironic that today’s parents don’t acknowledge that maturity.”

But at least one Annadale mom does.

“I talk to my youngest one more because she is being exposed to things at a younger age,” said Donna Paragallo, a nurse and mother of four daughters ranging in age from 4 to 22. “I’ll be a lot more open with my 4- year-old.”

It’s those parents who manage to tap into their kids early on, experts say, that have the most success solidifying a communication connection of trust that can last well into a child’s teens.

Take, for example, the relationship between Rossville’s Wendy Spall and her 13-year-old daughter Erin Cannon.

Ms. Spall said she began talking early on with Erin about sensitive issues like sex.

“I always found that when she had heard enough, she would change the subject,” said Ms. Spall, noting she always gave “age appropriate” responses to her daughter’s questions — not as “a buddy, but as a parent.”

As a result, Erin said she completely trusts her mom’s advice.

“I know that she wouldn’t say anything that would hurt me,” Erin said.

Erin, apparently, is not alone: According to the Advance poll, more than three-quarters of Staten Island teens say they trust their parents and listen to their advice.

When asked in the survey if he could trust his parent’s counsel, a 15-year-old Meiers Corners boy replied: “I’m close to them. If I can’t talk to them, who can I?”

Rabbi Fine, who is also a member of the guidance staff at Yeshiva University in Manhattan, said it’s up to parents to capitalize on that trust.

“Make no mistake about it, discussions from a parent is more powerful than all the documentaries and educational programs in the world,” he said. “Parents have what no educational program can provide: their love and care for their child.”

So with experts, polls and teens pointing to the importance of parents assuming their rightful roles to morally educate and influence their kids, why aren’t more parents eager to take up the banner?

Research indicates there are many factors. However, the primary reason is that many parents just are not aware of how great an impact their words can have on their teens.

Also, too many parents deceive themselves about the possibility their teens could be engaging in risky or self-destructive behaviors. Other parents avoid discussing sticky issues for fear they might bring negative reactions from their teens; and some don’t even know how to initiate such discussions.

Still, Rabbi Fine believes most parents need to overcome their fears about initiating delicate discussions with their teens and recognize that the family offers the best setting to tackle tough issues.

“We have a society full of talking heads and experts … and parents have gotten into this notion that if they are not an expert then they don’t have anything to say,” he said. “But parents need to know and understand that they don’t have to be an expert to talk to their kids about pre-marital sex and drugs.”

Unfortunately, parents recognizing the need — and making the effort — to talk seriously with their teens about the issues impacting their young lives constitute just half the communication equation.

But how do willing parents get stubborn teens to open up about their thoughts and feelings?

Curtis High’s Vinet said he has discovered a fail-safe method for parents to tap into their teen’s thinking on thorny topics.

“Kids love role play situations,” he said. “And if you ask kids, ‘If you had a friend who…,’ you will probably get a very rich, knowledgeable, wise, moral and valuable lesson on how they make decisions and on their judgment.”

Vinet’s advice, however, comes with an important caveat: Parents should ask their hypothetical questions in a “non-threatening, pleasant environment” while avoiding a judgmental attitude.

“Take all the information you can get while keeping a smile on your face,” he said.