Real Talk:Making Room for God

Originally published on JewishFamily.com

Do you ever wonder if God is around when your kids are playing baseball or soccer? Studying? Or even at the Shabbos table? How about when you are having an argument with your teenager? Is God there for you and your children when you need God the most? Maybe we don’t think much about such questions during the rest of the year, but with the High Holy Days approaching we feel those familiar stirrings and the questions begin again. Year after year we realize something has to change. Maybe these thoughts about God can be used to create a closer relationship between ourselves and our children.

So what did we do in the past when we felt these stirrings? We went to Shul. We felt uplifted and a bit transformed. We told ourselves that these profound spiritual moments were somehow going to make a difference for our family. We searched for a way to express this new spiritual dedication. But two weeks later, at the dinner table, we found ourselves back in the same familiar arguments—the same old movie. The same old anger and disappointment surfaced. We came face to face with the fact that our spiritual experiences don’t magically transform our every day relationships. The inspiration we felt during the journey home from shul sure seemed far away.

While there is no magic formula, we can find ways to respond with a new dignity, presence of mind, understanding, and love.

As with so many things in life, everything starts with us and our willingness to make a personal accounting of ourselves. Fundamental to spiritual growth is our ability to have self-reflection.

A great sage once said:

“If you blame others for making you angry, you will fail to work on preventing yourself from becoming angry. Rather, you should take the responsibility onto yourself whenever you lose your temper.”
- Hegyonai Mussar, Vol. 3, p.12

The truth is that we do have the capacity to transform our disappointments. In fact,the inspiration we touched in our heart during the High Holy Day allowed us to face our pain, difficulties, and shortcomings. And from that honest evaluation we did discover a new vision of caring for and loving ourselves and others.

People often ask me, “How can we bring that spiritual inspiration into our family life?” Invariably I answer—communication. The truth is that “real talk” has profound spiritual value that can uplift families. Anger talk, hurtful talk, demeaning talk, and belittling talk tears down the fabric of families. But forgiveness talk, commitment talk, love talk, respect talk, compliment talk, patience talk, and truth talk are the “real talk” that paves the way for real time spirituality to take root in a family. After all, in the book of life, how we talk to and treat each other is the manifestation of our spirituality. The Torah teaches that:

“Words that emanate from the heart, enter into the heart of another.”
- Midrash

There are some simple basic things we can do to keep the spiritual gates open in our family life. And if we do them, we can begin to move away from the toxins of helplessness, fear, lashing out, feeling deprived and insecure, and being tough and overly aggressive.

“Real talk” has at its core the ability to bring a new spiritual awareness to our relationships. But, for any change to take root, it must be built on our ability to remember who we are and who we want to be in every conversation. The true expression of our inner awareness is measured by how we conduct ourselves with those we love. To keep open the door to “real talk” requires our having respect for ourselves and others in all of our interactions.

There are some simple things we can do to keep the spiritual gates open in our family life. Here are some basic family communication tips to create the backdrop for keeping God’s presence in the family.

1) Commitment Talk

Remember your deep abiding commitment to each other.

When listening: -Resist the impulse to interrupt -Ask each other to repeat something if you missed it -Stay away from argument

2) Love Talk

Always keep in mind the importance of the love you have for one another.

Find ways to say “I love you.” Never assume that everyone knows it. Even if you think a family member doesn’t want to hear it, or will be embarrassed to hear it, still say it.

3) Patience Talk

Refraining from trying to push your own opinion is the highest form of patience.

When something is important to one family member and not to the another, listen and don’t judge. That person’s feelings are that person’s experiences and are important. You don’t have to agree. Just recognize and honor that person’s feelings.

4) Truth Talk

The truth requires that sometimes you say, “I don’t understand.”

Try to remember that you can’t read each other’s minds. Make it a point to let each other know when you don’t understand something the other has said or when you don’t understand something the other is going through. Don’t pretend that you know what the other is saying.

5) Compliment Talk

Be on the lookout for reasons to compliment each other. Be specific and to the point. Also, look for ways to reassure each other when someone fails.

6) Respect Talk

Respect each other’s silences. Sometimes silence can be the best way to work out problems, spiritual dilemmas, and choices.

7) Forgiveness Talk

Remember that granting and giving forgiveness is often best expressed through a gift or a card. It is a statement of renewed relationship that goes beyond words.

Give things that encourage the expression of feelings and thoughts towards one another—like a gift, a card, or a phone call simply to say, “How’s your day?” Giving support in tangible ways builds closeness and security.