After Littleton

Originally published on JewishFamily.com

All teenagers take risks. Every adolescent is faced with a multitude of challenges and decisions. Do I say ‘No’ to drugs? Is it okay to have sex? Should I tell that my friend is thinking suicide? Should I tell that a group of students is putting down a friend?

After Littleton, parents are asking: What made those kids do that? Didn’t their parents know what was happening? These boys were so angry. Why didn’t anyone see this coming?

After Jonesboro, Paducah, Springfield, and now Littleton, we have more questions, more finger pointing, and less answers. Littleton ripped the heart out of the American family and brought fear into our kitchens. The uneasiness is going to be with us for a long time.

On Tuesday, April 21st, I arrived in Denver on my way to address the National Alternative Schools’ Annual Conference. The topic? School violence. The irony could not have been more tragic. As a parent of three teenagers, I, too, felt vulnerable and exposed. On Friday, after three days of talk shows, my sixteen-year-old son called to tell me that his school was evacuated by a bomb threat.

As a therapist who has spent twenty-five years working with kids on the edge, this was a tragic tale of how violence can explode in the lives of children who are:

cut off from the adult world
mocked by peers
and whose cries for help are systematically ignored.

Parents want more than accusations and explanation. They want concrete suggestions to solidify their relationships with their children. They want ideas to implement in their homes.

Studies repeatedly emphasize the need for family ties. When a parent is strongly present on a daily basis, kids have a better chance at success. The remedy for a child’s dark romance with violence, or for a child filled with fear, is a fully engaged, available parent.

The seeds for anger and violence stem from the world of benign neglect—not from the world of entertainment. Teens need a nurturing family environment where they can talk about life, love, problems, and struggles.

Here are some everyday suggestions:

Ask your kids about their school day—their classes, teachers, and friends. Who got into trouble, fights, suspensions, detentions, name calling, threats, bullying, clicks. Get their input and get their opinions. Be prepared to call the school.
Listen to your children’s music, play their video games and talk about them. Find out how they relate to these things. The danger in listening to Marilyn Manson or playing Doom is not in the music or the graphics, but in how they react emotionally to it.
Find out who their friends are. Ask what they do together? What do they talk about? Create the opportunity to interact with your children’s friends by making your home a place for them to hang out.
All of our children know people who do drugs. What is your child’s relationship to drugs and drug use? You are not going to know unless you ask.
Make no excuses about not communicating with your child. Don’t buy your kids off as a way of appeasing your guilt. And don’t use the excuse of overwork to justify not spending time with your kids.
Learn to be flexible. What worked when your child was nine is irrelevant at sixteen. And just because you were raised in a certain way doesn’t mean it works for your children today.

- Don’t let your previous mistakes as a parent make you stop trying. Children learn from how you deal with life.

Although you may think your kids aren’t listening, don’t be afraid to revisit hot topics such as drugs, sex, and violence, again and again. Studies show that repetition gets your message through.
Being an effective parent depends on having a working relationship with your spouse or ex-spouse. Knowing parents work well together in the kid’s interest helps build children’s self-confidence and frees them to go after their dreams.
When in serious trouble with your teen, be prepared to get competent professional help. We all need friends and family members, but when drowning, we find a lifeguard.
Encourage your children to take healthy risks. Travel, hobbies, dating, special events, and sports should be encouraged and are certainly not out of style.